How to Become a Supercommunicator
In this article, I’ll deconstruct Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg and share the five most valuable lessons I’ve learned for enhancing your communication skills, reading people better, and building more charisma.
Make It About Them
You have to be genuinely curious about the other person and what they’re trying to express. You need to really want to understand them.
Most people aren’t super-communicators—in fact, many are far from it. That’s why, if you put in just a little bit more effort than most, you’ll already come across as more at ease with your own communication.
People often struggle to articulate their thoughts and convey them clearly. Your goal is to make it easier for the person in front of you to do so.
We’re always told to “listen to others,” but I’d go a step further. You need to actively focus on trying to understand what they’re saying. Listening and understanding are two very different things.
For example, I could listen to a physicist talk about quantum physics, but that doesn’t mean I understand what they’re saying.
After years of working as a coach, I’ve found that the most impactful thing I can do is listen to my clients and work with them to understand what they’re really trying to express.
Just by doing that—by genuinely trying to understand the other person’s message—you’ll shift the dynamic of the conversation entirely.
And that’s the first principle I took from the book: make the conversation about the other person.
People will enjoy talking to you because they’ll feel that you’re creating space for them, that you’re genuinely listening, and, beyond that, actively trying to understand their message.
The mistake to avoid is focusing too much on yourself, becoming self-centered. Many people, when they’re in a conversation, are caught up thinking about what to say next, their own emotions, or what they think the other person thinks of them.
Most of the time it’s because we’re in a social context and scared of being judged or misinterpreted but it’s in the way of the conversation.
In doing so, we cloud the conversation with our own biases, and it shows—we may seem as though we’re listening, but we’re not really present.
Think about your own experiences: the people you enjoy talking to the most probably aren’t those with the best advice or the most knowledge, but those who create a safe space, making you feel heard and understood.
That’s the first lesson: be curious about the other person, about what they bring to the conversation. Make it about them and their message. Value the insights they choose to share with you.
The only catch is, you can’t fake this technique, you have to be genuinely interested in what the other person has to say in order for it to work.
Ask the Right Questions
Being a great communicator doesn’t mean you can read minds. You have to ask questions, a lot of them, to understand the subtlety and nuances of what the other person is bringing to the table.
Asking questions naturally positions you as an active listener. But, of course, some questions are more effective than others
Avoid questions that close the conversation—those that can only be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”
These are what we might call “lawyer’s questions,” and they’re useful when you need exact information without room for nuance.
For example, if you ask someone, “Do you prefer blue or red?” you leave no room for other alternatives. The way you frame that question directs and limits the choice.
In this case, you don’t allow space for the person to express their true opinion; instead, you’re just guiding their answer.
If your goal is to be a good communicator, use these types of closed-ended questions only when you’re looking for specific information or a quick answer.
Because they won’t deepen the conversation or strengthen your relationship with the other person.
On the other hand, open-ended questions invite the other person to open up and reveal their personality.
These questions are open by design, meaning the other person has the freedom to choose the direction of the conversation. For instance, instead of asking “Do you prefer red or blue?” try asking, “What’s your favorite colour and why? ”
You can’t predict the answer—they might say they like red because it was the colour of their first car or because it represents passion to them.
From there, you can build the conversation by picking up on their response. For example, “Oh, so red is your favorite color because your first car was red?” Just by restating that, 90% of people will start sharing more personal stories and insights about their lives.
When you create this safe, open space for conversation, people see you as a natural communicator and often assume you’re confident in yourself, which to me is the most important thing.
A good communicator is a natural communicator.
So, focus on asking open-ended questions—questions that let the other person feel at ease and give them control over the direction of the conversation.
This approach opens up a conversational space where they’ll want to stay and in return they will perceive you as person of confidence and trust.
Looping for Understanding
This technique is taken straight from the book, and in my opinion, if you had to take away just one thing from this video, it’d be it.
It’s called “looping for understanding” a simple, three-step protocol designed to ensure you’re truly understanding the other person and making them feel heard.
Here’s how it works:
start by asking a question
then reformulate what they just said in your own words
ask them to confirm if you got it right
It might look something like this:
Person A: “Why is red your favorite color?”
Person B: “Because, back when I was an undergrad, I had to commute to a campus outside my city, so I needed a car. The one I bought happened to be red.”
Person A: “So red is your favorite color because it was the color of your first car, is that right?”
On paper, this might seem a little silly—why repeat what the other person just said?
But here’s why it’s powerful: start observing conversations around you, and you’ll quickly notice that many people aren’t really listening.
In a world where most people are more focused on themselves during a conversation, by restating the other person’s words, you’ll stand out as someone who genuinely listens.
It all comes back to focusing on the other person. When you put them in the spotlight, they feel valued.
This is especially effective with people who are more reserved or introverted, as it encourages them to open up by building rapport through active listening.
Another benefit is that this method often brings you closer to the other person’s perspective.
Sometimes, they’ll correct you, even if you thought you repeated their words accurately. This happens to me a lot of the time when I talk goals with my clients.
If they do, it’s a sign that either you might not be fully seeing things from their viewpoint and their correction is their way of clarifying their perspective.
Or they don’t clearly know themselves and they’re just correcting their own words. In both cases it’s a good sign because it brings more clarity.
This technique can be particularly helpful in close relationships, where your own connection to the person may affect your perception, making it harder to see the situation through their eyes.
But *don’t overuse this method—*the goal isn’t to become a parrot.
Use it selectively: when you want to ensure you’re capturing exactly what the other person is saying, in emotional discussions where the other person needs to feel heard and validated, or when you’re genuinely trying to understand an opinion.
Use this and it will profoundly affect the way you engage and behave in important conversations.
Use the Law of Reciprocity
So far, we’ve been heavily focused on prioritizing the other person and their words in conversation. Now it’s time to use the law of reciprocity.
This principle implies that, after someone receives a personal feeling, memory, or piece of information from you, they’ll feel compelled to share something personal in return.
In his book, Charles emphasizes that this law “is one of the most powerful forces in the world”.
Timing is everything here, and the key is that - again, you can’t fake it.
To make it work, you need to genuinely open up to the other person, sharing something valuable and emotionally resonant that they can relate to.
If your words resonate with them, they’ll naturally want to share a similar experience of their own to match the exchange.
This principle shows up everywhere—in psychology, marketing, politics—whenever you genuinely share something, people tend to reciprocate with something of their own.
This response is rooted in our nature as social creatures. By instinct, we seek to bond, belong, and connect with others, which is why your brain follows this law.
You probably already do this with friends without even realizing it—think of those late-night talks where you all open up and share personal experiences and feelings.
Now, by understanding how it works, you can leverage this instinct to improve communication and build solid relationships.
Start by sharing something real and let the other person feel free to contribute their own perspective to the conversation.
For instance, when people ask me the usual “How are you today?” I make an effort to give a genuine answer instead of a robotic response.
I might say something like, “I’m tired because I didn’t get enough sleep last night, and I’m a little stressed about some calls I have to make today.”
By saying this, I break the social norm of polite, automatic replies, and now, since they see how I truly feel, they’re more likely to bond and share something personal in return.
Like “yeah I’m tired too” and here I’ve just created our bubble.
Look at Them
This is one of my favorite topics. Duhigg briefly mentions it in Supercommunicators, but I believe it’s fundamental.
(I’ve actually been considering making an entire article on this, so if you’d be interested, let me know in the comments—that would genuinely help me.)
In addition to listening to what the other person is saying, you also need to look at them and pay attention to their non-verbal language.
Nonverbal communication is complex and covers a lot of ground, including posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, and much more…
But you don’t need to be an expert to use it effectively. Just prime your brain to notice these cues and pay attention. Just by paying attention you’ll again, be ahead of most people that are looking at their phones while talking to you.
In fact, your brain is already wired to pick up on nonverbal signals—it’s a survival mechanism. You likely do it unconsciously; the goal here is to make it a conscious process. Look at them and observe their behavior.
Are they leaning forward? Using their hands to talk? Seeking eye contact or avoiding it? Maybe they’re even reaching for the doorknob, subtly indicating they’re ready to leave the conversation.
It’s difficult to isolate just one gesture or expression because nonverbal communication is about the big picture—the overall scene. It’s not as simple as “if they touch their neck, they’re lying.” While that may indicate tension, there’s rarely a direct cause-and-effect relationship.
Nonverbal cues are the body’s way of expressing emotions.
You can’t read minds, but if someone isn’t meeting your eyes, has their head down, and a hand on the doorknob, you can sense that the conversation probably isn’t going too well.
And when you combine nonverbal cues with the verbal insights you’ve gathered, you’ll have a fuller picture of the other person’s perspective, making it easier to truly connect and understand their motivations.
Anyway, this article is a bit different, so let me know what you think.
And as always, I hope it helps—trust the process.